"What do you mean by you are not coming?" Amma screamed at me , this is her daily thing, she gets everything by screaming. I wonder how my disciplined papa tolerate her. She's a loudspeaker I mean she doesn't really need a phone to talk to the  person who's on the other side of the city,  too loud  for my mental health . “ Are you listening?"She asked again . Well I didn't.  I have this habit of talking to myself, in my head where all the conversations take place and I forget the world I'm in. Totally pissing off the person next to me . A reason why I don't have friends . " Will you answer ? " she asks totally uninterested. “ yeah,  yeah?"I replied . My face might have an ugly expression which ofcourse is yelling at mom to repeat what she said. Poor lady repeats “The family has arranged a lunch at some famous restaurant and invited all of us to be there . Your papa said,yes. So you're coming with us or I'm calling your father”.  The devil mother makes a facial expression such as deny-me-and - you're- gone - for good.

Which family ? What restaurant? Where are we going? Questions and Questions. I have only these questions in my head. I can't remember what she's talking about. If I ask her ,she'll make a fuss about it and I'll loose my patience . So I kept my calm face and replied “ Yeah , am coming.  Is that okay ? " . “ For now it's okay . Last time too you didn't meet them, they will love to meet you”. “ I wish they say the same after meeting me too". of course I said this in my mind . I wouldn't say this in front of her ,I don't  actually have the courage to tell this on her face.

I'm as such . Won't say anything thinking I might hurt them and in return I get hurt.  Perks of trying to be the perfect daughter.  Well all this started ,when I was a kid . Since we are two girls, everyone kept asking my parents,  why don't they try for a boy , saying the legacy would be carried forward , the family will flourish under a boy , he can join Army,blah blah blah . I hated it whenever someone tried to tell this,  so I started to act as a perfect daughter. Said yes to my parents for each and everything, never expressed  my opinions and had always thought of theirs. Not just me,  my sister Athira too. But she had a say. She would tell her heart out and not oblige at all. I lost the ability to react growing up .

Papa is a strict person , who'd never take a No , and would always answer with a No. So complicated. His army behavior didn't leave him even after he left the army. We grew up like that , disciplined. Like never had a normal life . We traveled along with him wherever he got postings. Our studies got affected in this process but he never left us behind. He's a very proud person . Amma is a sweet lady but dramatic. I can't remember when was the last time she acted normal . Maybe watching all those dumb serials , what can I even expect.  My sister, Athira. Well she and I are two different persons. Not alike at all. She's movies while I'm books.  She's extrovert and I'm introvert.  She wears her heart on her sleeves while I'm aloof . She has friends while I'm alone.  Completely different types.  She's an over achiever . All my life , I had everyone telling me to be like her, which ended me being the me, I'm today.

We grew up in a strict culture.  No friends outside school or college , no partying,  no sleepovers and no talking to boys , we were never allowed to stay at relatives . A life as such seems boring now . But Athira got friends,  she made friends,  not that her friends visited our home,  no one would dare to face papa, but she made some good friends . They are okay okay people too. I couldn't bring myself to make friends . I stayed at home , read books and created my own world.  Books accompanied me in my loneliness . I lost the ability to engage in talks . I'd sit somewhere in the corner and act as observing while my mind would be screaming and yelling at me . I have more conversations in my head .

“ Will you answer me?" Amma asked . “ I said I'm coming,  then what ? " I countered.  “ Akshara , I asked you about your dress."  Did she, I don't know . And what about dress . “ I'll wear anything "I replied almost pissed off. “ No young lady , that's not gonna work . I want you in a decent dress . I mean a salwar suit or saree”. Its not like I'm going to get married Amma . Moreover,  what's with a dress. I'll wear a tshirt and jeans . My comfort is what I think is necessary. “What are you at ?" Athira snaps me out of my conversations with my mind . “Nothing.  As you please Amma, suggest me any dress”. “ That's how a lady should reply . I already have a dress in my mind that I bought you last Diwali,  remember the yellow anarkali dress , you will wear that ." Amma suggested ,Well not a suggestion it's an order . Every Indian mother orders and don't suggest . “Thik hai" I  retorted and flew to my room . Ahaa my happy place . I can still hear her giving some fabulous piece of suggestion to my sister . Poor Athira .

Wait , it's just six in the morning,  and here Amma is already fussing about the lunch.  I think papa hasn't come back from his jog . That's the reason for that old lady to go crazy . I sat near the window enjoying my tea.

The lunch today is sponsored by my sister's soon to be  in-laws . I don't know why am I needed there . Ofcourse for my parents to boast about their parenting skills and how obedient of us are. I don't like gatherings . Its simply waste of time and efforts .

Talking about the soon to be in-laws of my sister, exactly 2 months back , some richie rich family happened to be my sister's client , the lady liked my sister for her older son. Soon she showed some interest in my sister , at first Athira didn't give in but after meeting her son , she was head over heels for him.  Athira conveyed this to papa , who as expected said a No . It took constant efforts of my mom to cajole papa . Finally the old man gave affirmative response.  Making me and my sister astounded . Then the said family arrived,  decent and affluent family. They already liked her so I took it as a waste of time,it was sunday and I had exam too . I wasn't present to meet the family but I know everyone of them . Papa showed a positive sign, mingled well with them. They decided to meet again to fix engagement date.  So the above mentioned lunch is for that purpose .

Once Athira gets settled , they'll start searching alliance for me too.  The only thing I'm damn sure about . Two years ago, Athira's engagement got called off. The reason was that the groom to be got his problems resolved with his ex . She was disheartened ,depressed and uninterested.  That's how she started her boutique, papa funded it to compensate for her loss. I'd say that wasn't a loss perhaps she got escaped from a death trap . And now this alliance , I hope everything falls in it's own place.

I'm an optimistic pessimist ……

Signing off

Ashwani